The legend of Roy Moore: A Bad Santa story

The Legend of Roy Moore at the Mall: A fake tale of fiction, probably

"He hung out down here all the time, just wandering among the teenagers," said Darrell Riddell, fake assistant manager of the Gadsden Mall in the late 70's - early 80's. "Him being an intense, single man in his 30's, I just figured he was looking out for the kids' moral and spiritual growth."

"Roy Moore was there for those kids," said Riddell. "No doubt about that. He taught some of 'em how to court."

Florence Shoals, assistant fake manager of Spencer's Gifts in the mall, had other memories of Moore. "He'd run in here like his hair was on fire, then thumb through the celebrity posters of Farrah Fawcett, Cheryl Tiegs and that Wonder Woman lady - what was her name? - and he'd whisper to himself. Then he'd scamper back out into the mall, his tie flapping behind him like a snake's tongue. Then he'd crouch behind potted plants real quiet-like and watch the teenagers. He seemed sweet."

"He quit coming to the mall for a spell," said fake mall security guard Ralph Crouch. "There were rumors Roy was banned. For making weird mouth noises or something. But I'm just making this stuff up, so I don't know." 

Anyway, after Roy disappeared, another guy started showing up at the mall. A guy in a Santa's suit.

"Kind of a bad, fake freelance Santa," laughed fake freelance Gadsden Mall PR person Loretta Gall. "He just showed up, smelling of Hai Karate. He made his own signs, brought his own chair and invited kids to sit on his lap. Mostly girls. Of dating age, of course," mused Gall, winking her one good eye. "It was kinda weird that it was in the middle of July, but who am I to judge ...?"

"He loved to sign stuff," said Gall. "Yearbooks. Bibles. Tank tops. It was kinda creepy if you thought about it. But it seemed kinda natural if you didn't think about it, you know?"

Try not to think about it.

Check out some more Roy Moore toons while you're not thinking about it

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