Gia Storms is an executive and leadership coach and faculty with the Co-Active Training Institute. She is based in Los Angeles.
Getty
Two leaders I coach have been locked in conflict for months, working through a new skill called assumption clearing in an attempt to break through old judgments and stories to restart their relationship with a clean slate.
With a deep breath, the first leader opens the conversation, identifying an old grievance. The air in the room grows uncomfortably warm. The second leader listens intently. Slowly, as more stories are named and cleared, authentic connection begins to bloom. The two leaders walk away from this conversation with new alignment, finally unencumbered by the assumptions they had consciously or unconsciously constructed about each other and had been holding onto for years.
Why We Need Assumption Clearing
Humans are story-making machines. In the absence of data, our brains make up stories and jump to conclusions to protect ourselves. Stories help us understand, label and identify the ambiguous world around us. Physician and author Robert Burton describes how, from an evolutionary perspective, pattern recognition was once critical for helping our brain quickly identify dangerous signals (a large feline shape in a nearby bush) and move into action (climb the nearest tree to save yourself from being mauled by a lion).
While lions do not meander through most of our backyards today, we still get provoked by modern-day equivalents, and our human brains are still wired to move quickly into fight-flight-freeze mode. Our brains make up stories about the slightest provocations, filling in gaps in our knowledge while overlooking contradictory or conflicting information wherever possible. When we bring these brains into the workplace, this pattern can be disastrous, leading us to make assumptions and create stories that, if not handled properly, can fester and destroy workplace relationships, often permanently. Assumption clearing can disrupt this destructive pattern of our lion-fearing brain and open up new relationship possibilities.
How To Clear Assumptions
Clearing assumptions is a process where you engage in a courageous conversation with someone who you want a better relationship with. I first learned about it through the Co-Active Training Institute and observed how the process allows you to give voice to the assumptions while the listener holds a neutral space for the clearing without defending or challenging the assumptions being shared.
According to neuroscience researcher Ann Betz, just the mere act of naming what is happening within our worlds can scientifically help to diminish the stress. It activates the prefrontal cortex and lessens the effect of stress hormones, thereby paving the way for greater connection.
Here are a few key tips for using this tool:
Listen instead of defend. The key to assumption clearing success is to listen instead of defend. Seek to understand. After you have spent time listening, you can shift into brainstorming new agreements in the relationship. But first, let your colleague share without interference.
Dare to ask a question. In The Four Agreements, author Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “The way to keep yourself from making assumptions, is to ask questions.” When you ask questions, you can validate if a story is true or not. If you suspect you are making an assumption, ask a question early before the story takes on a life of its own.
Label the story. According to researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown, using the phrase “the story I'm making up” is the No. 1 relationship lifesaver. This phrase will help anchor your experiences as your interpretations, instead of as hard data or judgments about the other person.
Be willing to go first. It is vital that you take the risk of trusting your co-worker first, assuming the other person is doing the best they can. Ideally, both colleagues get to share back and forth so that the cycle is complete, but be willing to reach out and initiate the conversation in an attempt to clear the air.
In the 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, the authors touch on the importance of candor and describe an excellent example of this tool in practice. Consider opening an assumption clearing conversation like this:
“We have a commitment to practice candor with one another, so I’d like to honor my commitment and reveal myself to you. I notice that I had the judgment that you treated me disrespectfully in yesterday’s meeting when you interrupted me. My desire is simply to let you know the judgment arose. I don’t need to be right about it and I know this is really about me. I wanted to reveal myself so that you can know me and so that we have the possibility of a connected relationship.”
Assumption clearing helps us make choices about how we show up in a work relationship with less reactivity, and more creative, powerful responsiveness. Take the case of the leaders mentioned at the beginning: When they first sat down together, both leaders had spent years constructing complicated stories about each other and collecting data points to back up their views. They could each point to endless interactions that proved their biases and ultimately clouded their ability to relate authentically and in real time to one another.
But after engaging in a process of assumption clearing, over several conversations, they were able to move past tension into real communication. They put the relationship above their judgments and were successful in clearing up most of their misconceptions. Their willingness to engage in this process changed the entire dynamic of their leadership team and created a palpable exhale in the weekly team meetings and in how their two teams could collaborate.
Today, each of us can find the courage to drop our assumptions, reach out to a colleague and share what needs to be said in order to develop a greater connection. If we can take these brave, small steps, our workplaces and our communities will be stronger for it.
Forbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. Do I qualify?
